Oh, My Aching Loins

I decided to procrastinate a little longer on the housework yesterday and I popped in "Lower Body Yoga" from Gaiam. Yowie. I actually had wobbly legs immediately afterwards, and now I'm really rather sore. We went snowshoeing for a while this afternoon, and I'm hoping that it will help work the kinks out. If only I could be regular about the yoga videos--I think I'd be a work of art by summer.

I'm Feeling the Love

I just got drunk-dialed by Erica and our friend Jona. They are at a "Bockfest" in Madison, WI and are apparantly swilling beer and waiting for someone to throw fish with prizes inside them. As Erica and I agreed, this is the sort of thing that would only happen in a cold climate. People who live in the northlands, whether it be Wisconsin, Minnesota or Idaho, tend to be willing to do pretty much any damn thing to get out of the house by February. Why not go out and drink beer and wait for someone to pelt you with smelt?

Spewing it Forward

So are you against amending the Constitution of the United States of America in order to discriminate against an entire group of individuals? Me too. However, Cupie is right: thinking its wrong is not going to be enough to stop it. As Americans, we have not only the right, but the obligation to take action. Please follow this link to Margaret Cho's action page. It provides numerous easy ways for you to connect with your elected officials and let them know that you don't support a Constitutional amendment, and won't support any elected officials who do. After you've done that, please "Spew It Forward."

I Haven't Got Time for the Pain

I started getting a headache this afternoon. This is not that unusual, except this time it started in my damn eye. After about an hour it felt like someone was trying to gouge out my eyeball with their thumb. Two ibuprofen later and things are a bit better, but jeez...

For lack of anything better, would you like to hear a story about my childhood? Of course you would:

I happen to be the daughter of one of the cheapest men on the entire planet. When my little brother and I were growing up, we lived about 55 miles from the nearest urban center, Boise. My dad had to go to Boise fairly often for business, but since Justin and I were in school at the time, we couldn't exactly tag along when we needed new school clothes and the like. So my dad used to have us stand on empty brown-paper bags, and he'd trace our bare feet on the bag with a pen. Then he'd mosey on down to KMart and compare the little foot on the bag with the shoes on the rack. This is how I ended up wearing MacGregor rubber-soled golf shoes to school for two years in a row. He found them on clearance and thought, "Hey, I'll just get my 10 year-old daughter [who was already having issues enough at the time because my rather full lips had earned me the nickname Moose Lips] two pairs of these nifty golf shoes and then she can wear them next year!" Someday when I have online storage space of my own, I will scan one of my class pictures in and post it so that you can all get a good look at Moose Lips the Caddy Girl.

Thanks for the scars, Daddio.

Classmates

So I was making my thrice-annual piddle through Classmates.com today and found a few people I'd like to get in touch with. But even though its been a good 12 years since I've seen most of these people, I'm not sure they're worth the $39 investment to sign up and get their e-mail addresses. Any suggestions? I tried a Google search of the names and didn't get anything tangible.

Warm Fuzzies

So maybe my faith in humanity is on its way to being restored. Today I got a thank-you e-greeting from an address I didn't recognize. For a minute I was sure that I was going to release the MyDoom virus on my entire computer system, but I went ahead and clicked the link to the card. It was a thank-you note from a couple who received flowers via the DarrenBarefoot drive to provide flowers for gay couples marrying in San Francisco. The note said how special it was for this couple to receive the support from a myriad of people around the country and how it made them so happy.

(Happy sigh...) I'd like everyone out there to know how proud I am, not only of the people who are so brave to be gay and to be married, but of the mayor of San Francisco for allowing this to happen. We don't know what the next few weeks/months/years hold for gays and their civil liberties, but this is the first time I've felt truly proud to be American for at least...3 years and 3 months.

To everyone out there, be proud of who you are, and be yourself. Its never a sin to love.

Workin' Up a Sweat

I need to be at my exercise class in about five minutes. Okay, its really not an exercise class--we're just a bunch of women watching an exercise video and bullsh*tting. Yesterday we decided that the best way to get rid of Mormons at your door is to say, "I don't think God will forgive me for running over that missionary on my way to the abortion clinic."

Feel free to use that.

Meet My New Friend

Hello, gentle readers. Allow me to introduce you to my new friend, Cul. He and I see eye-to-eye on quite a number of things, and I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. Saunter on over and take a look at what he's got to say.

What is the Matter With This World?

http://www.nwae.org/c5321.html

Things like this just tear my heart out. This is one of the prettiest babies I've seen in a long time, and thanks to shaken baby syndrome, she's basically a vegetable. My husband and I want an infant so much. We don't care what gender or race a child is. We just want a little one to hold and take care of. And here's this little girl; beautiful, with a future ahead of her. Now her whole life has been robbed from her because some "care-giver" couldn't be patient. We would have taken her in a minute. We'd have given her love, a home, enough food, nice clothes, and everything she needed. She could have grown up to be a doctor, an activist, a mother. But she won't.

I hope that there is a level of hell appropriate to the punishment of the person who shook her.

More Snow

Holy sh*t. I just looked out the window and it looks like an entire Tyson Foods poultry barn exploded outside. There are so many flakes of white in the air that I can't even see across the street. This is not
good timing. We just started seeing a few patches of bare ground on the valley floor. This is clearly going to set back spring by another week

Smells Like Italian

I went out to dinner last night with my friend, Michelle. (Hi!) We went to Gourmet Night, which is held at Flying Pie pizza in Boise. Michelle won a year's worth of free Gourmet Night, and has been trying to get me to come to Boise on a Tuesday so that we could go together. How did she win, you ask? Well, she wrote a haiku for Flying Pie's 25th anniversary. I don't have Michelle's permission, but I think she won't mind. She wrote the winning haiku on a napkin for me last night, so I decided I'd post it. I'm sure you'll all agree that she deserved to win.

Haiku on a Sad Happening
My Flying Pie slice
Face down on the parking lot.
No five second rule.

It was based on a true story, by the way. Anyway, we had lots of fun and this morning my husband told me that I reek of garlic. I hope a long shower and two rinses with mouthwash and three minutes worth of tooth-brushing will take care of that...

Dumb Sumbitch

You know what I really hate? I really hate it when people who a) don't know how to drive in snow, and/or b) don't have an adequate vehicle or tires, and/or c) don't have the cojones to be driving in poor weather conditions get behind the wheel and make my life a living hell. I was coming home from Boise tonight and got stuck in the river canyon following a dumbass who thought driving a U-Haul van with a trailer attached would be a super-dooper idea. We got two inches of snow today--just enough to make the roads a little slick, plus the guy was clearly driving an unfamiliar road in the dark. I must have followed this ass hat for 20 miles at 25 mph before he finally got the picture and pulled over to let me around. Go ahead, take your time. I think that's dandy. But get the f*ck out of my way!

SAG--I'm Satisfied

I am so, so glad Johnny Depp won the Screen Actors Guild Award for Best Actor. I thought he was just amazing in "Pirates of the Carribbean." I've never been a huge fan of his, but I definitely respected the way he played his role in "Benny & Joon." But then...then...he just blew me away in Pirates.

I was also tickled to see that "Return of the King" received the award for Best Acting Ensemble (evidently SAG's answer to Best Picture).

Anyone have Oscar predictions they'd like to share?

All the Things We Accomplished Today

We're in the process of getting our house ready for our home-study. The date hasn't been set yet, but there were a few things we knew we were going to have to do to make the Health & Welfare folks happy. We got a gun safe and my husband installed it today. All the liquor is out of reach. The household cleaning products are still under the kitchen sink while we debate the merits of cupboard locks vs. moving everything into the laundry cabinets, which are 5 feet off the ground.

We also fixed our satellite dish, which got wonked by the snow sliding off our roof while we were house-sitting. Amazing what a difference a few washers can make, compared with how long it would take Dish Friggin' Network to send their service contractors out. I'm on laundry load #4, the kitchen is spick-and-span, sheets are changed, surfaces are dusted, and I'm feeling whupped. We're off to see "Big Fish" tonight at the local theatre/Catholic church. Yeah, that's an interesting thing about our little town. The Catholics don't have a church here, so while they're building one out on the highway, they meet for Mass in the Roxy movie theatre. So there's an interesting little factoid for you all about my home: Cascade, Idaho.

Its Sunday and I'm Not in Church

What a surprise. I haven't been to church services (with the exception of Midnight Mass at my in-laws parish) in...let's see here...eight years. Its still sometimes a surprise for me to realize that its Sunday and I don't have to wake up to go to the meetings. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and had myself kicked out (yes, it was that deliberate) when I was 21. It was the best decision I've ever made, and I never looked back.

Hooray for Gay Marriage!

I'm sure most of you know by now that there is an internet movement going to provide flowers for gay couples waiting in line in San Francisco. Darren has raised $4,110 already. This just makes me smile.

The Cliff's Notes Version of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy

You know, in case you want to save time on a book report or something. Check it out here. Thanks to Cupie.

I'm a Winnah!

My little town has what's called a "Sober Grad" party for its graduating seniors. There are all kinds of benefits and raffles, and the funds generated go into a pot to rent a space, get a DJ, provide prizes, tokens, etc. to graduating seniors. This is in exchange for the kids agreeing to stay sober. From what I understand, the kids basically just pick a different night to get smashed.

Anyway, I recently bought tickets for a raffle held by the local grocery store. Turns out I'm a winnah! I won ten pounds of pork. I'd rather win ten pounds of pork in a raffle than in a beauty contest, I suppose.

Meanwhile, On the Other Side of the Country

San Francisco isn't the only hot-spot in the nation for gay rights. However, where SanFran is enjoying civil disobedience and is (rightly, IMO) giving gays the right to marry, my good buddy GW's brother Jeb is trampling rights in Florida.

ACLU asks court to reconsider support of state's gay adoption ban

Associated Press

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. - The American Civil Liberties Union asked a federal appeals court on Wednesday to reconsider its recent ruling upholding a Florida law that excludes gay people from adopting. The 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta ruled last month against four gay men, who are foster parents seeking to adopt children in their care. They want the court to overturn a 1977 law, passed in the heyday of Anita Bryant's anti-homosexual campaign, that leaves Florida as the only state with a complete ban on adoption by gays.

"For the sake of the thousands of children in Florida in need of a home, we hope the court will reconsider," said Matt Coles, director of the ACLU's New-York based Lesbian and Gay Rights Project. "The Florida law was passed to punish gay people, but the sad, harsh reality is that it harms the 4,800 children who are languishing in Florida's foster care system and waiting to be adopted into permanent, loving homes," said Howard Simon, Executive Director of the ACLU of Florida.

Gov. Jeb Bush said after last month's court decision that it "validates" Florida's conclusion "that it is in the best interest of adoptive children, many of whom come from troubled and unstable backgrounds, to be placed in a home anchored both by a father and a mother." The law has withstood several challenges in state court.

Gay couples in Florida can evidently be foster parents, but are denied the right to adopt children. Explain to me how that makes sense? What kind of idiot governor...oh, wait. Never mind. I can't imagine why a loving adoptive home, regardless of the genders of those who head it, is not better for a child than remaining in foster care.

Snonads

We took the dogs for a long snowshoeing trip yesterday. It snowed yesterday morning, then warmed up to 40 degrees, so the snow conditions were kind of weird. After the first quarter mile our older dog, Cody, started to develop "dingle-balls" all over his shaggy self. He had snowballs hanging off pretty much every part of his body, but the best ones were located between his hind legs. He had one right in the center that must have been the size of a softball. It got to the point where he couldn't even walk right--he had this Rooster Cogburn/True Grit swagger going on that seemed to say, "Yeah, you can neuter me, but I still got balls."

Sob. Whine. Sniffle.

My husband is going down to Boise to a training session for the rest of the week. I'll be left all alone in that big, empty Craft-O-Matic bed with no one but four dogs to keep me company. (Our two, plus the two we're taking care of.) I'll be so alone...alone...alone.

I'm kind of a big sap when it comes to being away from my husband. We're coming up on our two-year anniversary and people tell me the separation anxiety goes away after a while. In the meantime, I'm sure gonna miss him. Waaaaah!

Oh boy. More snow.

Can you sense my intense excitement? We got two inches of snow overnight. I think next year I'll keep a running counter of days with snow here. Bleah.

Valentine's Day Letch

Karl Urban shivers me timbers. You know, Eomer from the Lord of the Rings movies? (BTW, we're off to see #3 for the second time tonight. We're nerds.) He also played both Caeser and Cupid in Xena. Swoon.

Wee Wee Wee, All the Way Home

Like I said, I'm posting from my cold-as-hell house. I had a cup of coffee and a mongo-large orange juice at breakfast and now I have to pee. I'm scared to, because I'm afraid my ass will actually freeze to the toilet seat. Too bad I don't have wireless access--I could e-mail for help.

We actually lived in a house where the water in the toilet bowl froze over. If I'd had really tiny feet, I could've gone ice skating in little bitty circles. Thank God we've upgraded. Now there's just random ice floes.

I Hate Feeling Retarded

I want a fancy blog. I want beautiful skins. I want an Amazon Wishlist. I don't know how to do any of that, and I hate reading directions. I have three options:

1) Learn to read directions,
2) Get over it and lump along with a frumpy blog, or
3) Pony up the cash to get

Mel

to design some stuff for me. (See? I'm an idiot. I can't even make that look the way I want it to.)

I think the answer is obvious, but am I ready for it?

Reality is Sinking In

My husband and I turned in our application to become foster & adoptive parents in the state of Idaho this week. Its a little unnerving. We've been talking about it for months and now that we're finally on the road to achieving our goal, I'm a bit surprised by the weight of reality. We're being really selective as to what situations we want to be in. Our biggest goal is to find a couple of young children that we can adopt, and the best way to do that is by becoming foster parents. Ideally we'd like an infant, but realistically there are very few of them available. Most of the kids who are available are older or have special needs. Since we both work, a child in our care would have to go to daycare at least 4 days a week. I don't know that that is the best situation for a child with special needs (i.e., handicaps), plus I personally just do not know that I am ready for that emotionally.

So the next step for us is getting our home-study done, which should happen in a month or so. After that is completed and our background checks come back, we'll be on the list. I guess we should start receiving foster placements pretty quickly afterwards. Yikes. I know its a good thing, and I know its going to be very rewarding. But...yikes.

House-Sitting and the Lack of Recent Updates

My husband and I have been house-sitting for friends of ours since Wednesday. The owner of this house is some kind of high-security-clearance guy with the Pentagon, so I'm sort of afraid to ask permission to use their computer. I don't want to accidentally hack into an internal site and fire a missile or something.

Anyway, its a nice house. Its great to be in someone else's home during the winter because then we can turn the heat up as high as we want and don't have to worry about taking a second mortgage to pay the power bill. I think this may be the only time I am truly warm during the winter. I'm posting from my house and its 55 degrees in here, but there's no sense in turning the heat on when we're not even here. My one complaint is their stupid damn Craft-O-Matic adjustable bed. Its basically two twin-sized mattresses put together. They have to be separate because one old fogey has to be able to raise the head or feet of the bed without disturbing the other old fogey who may be sleeping normally. (You've all seen the commercials--I don't have to explain it.) Anyway, between the two mattresses is what my husband and I refer to as The Chasm of Doom. The C of D completely rules out any kind of snuggling. And getting cozy on a twin mattress has its inherent risks as I'm sure you can well imagine.

Oh well, at least I'm warm.

Exploding Deer?

I can't believe it. My husband was given a two-hour training course today about being alert for Weapons of Mass Destruction. We live in Idaho. We live in rural Idaho. He's a wildlife law enforcement officer. I seriously doubt there are any terrorists out there trying to rassle down a moose to stick explosives in any of its various orifii. We may be taking Homeland Security just a wee smidge too far.

But Its Cute When Men Wear Skirts!

I spent what I have to admit was a substantial amount of time today looking for a picture of Sting at the Grammys. I didn't watch them, but heard on the radio that he made the shocking gaffe of wearing a skirt. Now a) Sting can do no wrong whatsoever in my book; and b) men in skirts are sexy. If they weren't sexy, Mel Gibson woulda worn a whole 'nother outfit in "Braveheart," and you can take that to the bank. Not only do you get to speculate as to whether a man in a skirt is wearing underwear, but you get to entertain notions about the really attractive ones being able to get to their wedding tackle in a hurry.

So I finally found some pictures at Grammy.com and I don't know what the flap is about. I liked his outfit, though I might have picked other shoes. But I'd give him a B+.

Opinions on men in kilts, sarongs, other forms of ventilated fabric wrapping? Go ahead and comment.

I Crack Me Up

I pulled my car out of the garage the other day and a chunk of ice fell out of my wheel-well. It was all black and nasty with road spray. I didn't think much of it and headed off to work.

I came home that afternoon and my husband said that our youngest dog, Grover, had quite the experience with the ice chunk. Grover walked out into the driveway and saw this chunk of ice sitting there. He had no idea what he was looking at, so he hunkered way down with the hackles on the back of his neck up, growling at this black chunk of ice.

I told my husband that I thought Grover did that because the ice was black.

My husband asked why.

I said, "Glacial profiling."

(ka-boom ching)

Stupid Winter...

The area I live in typically goes through at least five months of winter every year. Not being a real winter person, this gets to me by about...oh, the middle of December. We're at about month three now. Bleah.

I was debating driving 80 miles to go to Boise and indulge in retail therapy, but it snowed again last night and now the roads are going to be "schlock," as my husband just said. Add to the fact that we're right on the route to Winter Friggin' Carnival in McCall, which draws roughly 50,000 people out of the Boise valley to come look at melty snow-sculptures. Then everyone bitches about how the sculptures were all melty and they drive home.

Its not fun to compete in that kind of traffic, especially with snow on the road. Many of these tourist-types believe that four-wheel drive is all you need if you want to drive 70 mph down a snow-laden canyon. I laugh at the ones that pass me and end up in the ditch. Unfortunately that doesn't happen as often as I would like, so I try to hasten their misfortune by placing voodoo curses on them as they fly past me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Its hard to ensure voodoo success if you're not really in a good position to sacrifice a live chicken.

I Hereby Declare This "Dingo Day"

Why Dingo Day? Because its my blog and I said so. Nyeah. The following was culled from

an animal attack website.

I can't tell what year it happened. Do you think Super Dingos wear capes?

Tourists to blame for "super" dingoes in boy's killing

SYDNEY, May 1 (AFP) -

Dingoes which killed a nine-year-old boy on a remote Australian island were part of what a wildlife expert on Tuesday called a "super" pack of wild dogs.

Wildlife Preservation Society president Jan Oliver said constant feeding by tourists on Fraser Island off the Queensland coast had created packs of strong male dogs which normally would perish on being banished by dominant females in the wild.

"Because of the conditions on Fraser they have become super packs," she said.

"The human influence on Fraser Island's dingoes has created a very different environment and different breeding pattern for dingoes so that we now get bigger packs.

"More of the younger males are surviving and the alpha female which is the dominant dog is now less in control and more of the younger males and females are living because of extra food supply.

"Before, some of those young pups would've been killed by their mothers to control the pack size but more younger males are hanging around."

Twenty people have been attacked in the past six years on Fraser Island.

The father of the nine-year-old boy killed by dingoes was forced to save his other son from attack, it was revealed.

Ross Gage stumbled across the body of nine-year-old Clinton after his son's friend ran for help when the two boys were attacked by a pair of wild dogs on the beach.

Gage ran to try to rescue his son, followed by his seven-year-old son Dylan.

Gage's father, John Gage, said Dylan was then attacked while Gage stood over his other's son mauled body.

Copyright © The Age Company Ltd 2001.

Well, that's enough of that. We want Dingo Day to be a cheerful event! Have you hugged a dingo today?

Speaking of Dingos

Isn't "dingo" just the funniest word ever? Does anyone remember hearing "The Adventures of Dingo Boy" that was on certain radio programs a few years back? It had a great jingle:

Dingos taught him hunting
And dingos taught him pride,
Dingos made his diapers
Out of gopher hide.

Run, run, Dingo Boy!
Run, run, Dingo Boy!

It was great: he was kidnapped as a baby and raised by dingos and he grew up to search everywhere for his parents. He'd find bad guys and would generally end up humping their legs. My brother Jason would remember this. We used to meet in his office (which cannot be identified!) every Friday to listen to Dingo Boy's wacky hi-jinks.

Oh, Well Its Okay Then!

(Diaper) Pins and Needles

Dooce (aka Heather) went into the hospital yesterday to have her baby. I realize its not realistic for me to expect that she's just going to up and post a few hours after (as Bill Cosby says) shoving something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. But I just know her delivery post is going to be so good...

For more info, see the links section.

Three Texas Surgeons

Courtesy of my brother-in-law, Tim. ("Some call me...Tim.)

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Today he's President of the United States!"

Ah, the Backwoods...What's My Dog Eating?

I just got back from taking the dogs for a snowshoe trip behind the house. There is a big network of trails there, mostly used by my husband and I, but occasionally used by snowmobilers. I cut a set of snowmobile tracks after the first half mile and was following them when Cody (the older dog) stuck his head in the snow and started chomping on something. I grabbed him by the collar, because it sort of looked like a thrown away piece of fried chicken. That's possible--someone could have been eating a snack while out snowmobiling, but then he spit it out and I realized what it was.

Next time use the toilet in your house, motherf*cker.

Someone Mailed Me a Man!

I was pulling the mail out of our post office box this evening, and I bent down to peer inside to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Much to my surprise, there were eyes looking back at me! I was drawing in a breath to holler, when I recognized the postmaster. Its a good thing neither of us actually had a coronary, he from laughing, me from the shock, because he was locked in behind the little boxes and I was locked out.

What a nut. But then, that's life in a small town. You have to get your kicks where you can find them. I told him he'd better have return postage on him because I couldn't keep him.

Blast From the Past

Below is an excerpt from a high school graduation card that I received from my beloved Aunt Sandy. This would have been almost 12 years ago:

Dearest Casey,
I can't believe you're graduating from high school, it seems only yesterday you wouldn't let me put the cows in the car because, as you said, "They will shit in the backseat."

I'd like to acknowledge my father's role in the creation of that particular statement.

Turkey in the Oven

We're roasting a turkey for dinner today. I usually buy at least 3 turkeys around Thanksgiving--ah, the joy of having a huge freezer. (Yes, its on the back porch. I do live in Idaho, you know.) So in honor of our turkey dinner, and because my husband has never heard "The Thanksgiving Song" by Adam Sandler, I include the lyrics below for you. Happy Super Bowl Sunday. Go Panthers!


Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.

White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!