I can't believe all the random garbage in the celebrity news today. (Yes, I'm the moron that looks for it, but sometimes it's interesting.) I'll briefly recap the various schlock so that you don't have to go looking for it:
Madonna now wants to be called "Esther." I'm not kidding. The performer, born Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, recalled that she was very young when her mother, for whom she was named, died of cancer.
"I wanted to attach myself to another name," she said according to excerpts from the interview released by ABC on Thursday. "This is in no way a negation of who my mother is. ... I wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name." Yeah, no offense Mom, but since you died tragically young, my vain ass is going to change to a better, less cancer-related name.
Esther sounds like Chester, which sounds like molester, which leads us to the fact that Michael Jackson evidently paid off the kid who "alleged" in 1993 that Jackson molested him. I know you've been wondering how much that cost. How does $25 million strike you? Jackson still swears the alleged acts never happened, but that does seem like a lot of money to keep his reputation snowy white. Ha.
Finally, Johnny Ramone is not dead quite yet after all. Yes, he has cancer, but it is nowhere near as bad as bandmate Marky Ramone reported to Rolling Stone magazine earlier in the week.
Okay, now you're up to date and you didn't have to read through all the crap to get the little nuggest of, uh, gold.